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why women struggle to find their orgasm

Imagine you are hiking up a mountain. The trail is great - a bit of a workout but enjoyable. You feel energized, engaged, relaxed and overall good about your walk. But, you notice that as you get closer to the top, you seem to be going around and around - instead of up to the top.

This is how most folks who struggle to find their orgasm feel. The start to head up the arousal curve (the imaginary curve from 1 - 10 | 1 = a little aroused, 9 being the point of no return, 10 = orgasm) and you plateau around a 7 or an 8. You try to feel that sudden shift in sensation pushing you to the 9 and then the glorious 10, but for some reason you get stuck. And in the worst case scenario you start heading back down the curve, distracted, disconnected and disheartened.

In this article, I am going to give you the three main reasons women struggle to find their orgasm.

I often tell my clients that it is normal to expect that about 20% of the time your body does things you may not understand. Our bodies are not machines, but in general, 80% of the time, we want to be able to be in a relationship (notice I did not say control) with our pleasure. Meaning, if you want to head to and orgasm, 80% of the time you are able to move there when you choose.

It is important to mention anytime orgasm is a focus of an article, that over focussing on orgasm or making it the most important part of your erotic experience is missing the point. It would be like going to the symphony and waiting for the ending of each song. Projecting that the ending is somehow better than the beginning or all the middle parts is dramatically missing the experience.

That being said, orgasms are glorious. Have you noticed how each one is different? Some are flowy like a dress in the wind, some are strong and powerful like a woodchopper and some are whole journeys in and of themselves. While some people say you can have ‘chocolate orgasms’ or ‘breath orgasms,’ I am much more of the practical sciency side of things: a series of muscle contractions in the genital region that is accompanied by sudden release of endorphins.

I’m guessing you have heard before that many women struggle to reach orgasm. About 10 - 40% of women have trouble reaching an orgasm. Why so many women are not climaxing is a pretty complex answer.

The three main areas I check in with clients around are physical sensations, erotic turn-ons and emotional openness.

1. Physical Sensations.

Most people’s bodies need a certain type of sensation or stimulation to reach an orgasm. If you are masturbating in a way that cannot be replicated by another, or not getting the stimulation you need, your body (and your brain) will not know how to move up the arousal curve into orgasm.

2. Erotic Turn-On’s.

What do you need to get into the mood? Are you aware of your fantasies? Do you need a gentle caress and sweet words, do you need a strong spank on the bottom? Maybe you want some long, connected eye contact or to be told a sexy story? Each of us in a unique and ever-changing mystery of arousal. What we want and how we want it is some of the most important information we can ever learn about ourselves (at least in my opinion). If you are not getting the things you need to become aroused, or are unable to ask for what you want, or do not know what you want - you’re most likely running into trouble finding your orgasm.

3. Emotional Openness.

This can be a big topic to try to summarize in a blog post. The main takeaway is that our hearts need to be open and trusting to be able to let go into orgasm. Not only with our partners, but even with ourselves. For folks who have experienced traumas in intimacy or sexually, trusting that it is ok to ‘let go’ into orgasm can feel subconsciously like a loss of control that is not safe. I say subconsciously because often you want to let go, but something is holding you back.

It is also important to ask yourself do you have difficulty orgasming all the time or mostly when with a partner?

If you are struggling when you are masturbating to find your orgasm, you’ll want to start here. Learning your own body first without the pressure of someone else watching you or distracting you is often the route many women take.

There are all sorts of places to learn about how to masturbate or what your body might like. My two favorite resources:

Betty Dodson |Dodson and Ross


If you are able to easily find your own climax but when you are with a lover you lose the connection, communication - communication - did I mention COMMUNICATION is going to be your key. You want to share what you need, what you want, your desires as well as potentially the fears you are having.

Yes, sharing your fears can make you feel very vulnerable but it is often a very important step in letting for into the orgasm.

It is also worth mentioning here that sex toys - vibrators and dildos will most likely be your best friends. I call my Hitachi Magic Wand my second boyfriend. Explore sex toys and find the ones that do you right!

Your pleasure is worth exploring and understanding. Your body is a unique, pleasure palace just waiting for you to open her up.

Dive deep into any fear holding you back, communicate, and get exploring.




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