When was the last time your sex life felt exciting? When was the last time you experimented with something new in the bedroom?
If you’re like most, you’ve fallen into a semi rut with your lover. You have your go-to moves that you know push the right buttons.
I get it. Having a safe fall back of ‘I know he likes this’ or ‘I know this takes me to orgasm,’ is a relief. Sometimes, we are simply too tired from the day to imagine coming up with something fun, new and playful.
Yet, if in every erotic encounter you are feeling uninspired to explore or overly caught up in following the prescribed script, I am guessing your sex life feels not all that thrilling.
You’ve heard it before and I am sure you will hear it again, how important communication is in relationships. Especially romantic relationships and particularly around trying new sexy things.
I break down erotic experimentation into 3 Levels. For some folks, level 1 is as exploratory as you are wanting to go and that is fantastic. For others, level 3 is a must (at least before you die). As you increase your level of experimentation, you subsequently need to increase your communication.
You want to envision ‘what can I do that is new or different?’ Level 1 is all about breaking up the monotony of the same old moves.
In most healthy relationships, you’ll be safe trying any of these mini experiments without a lengthy check in first.
Some examples: if you normally start with kissing, try not kissing. If you typically orgasm first, try going second. If you often go right into penetration sex and let that be the ‘main focus,’ spend more time in other areas of the body. If you have sex in the bedroom, try for another room in the house.
Even though you do not need a massive discussion to change things up here, it’s a good habit to chat with your lover after seeing how they felt about the new energy.
If you want to really mix up the way you are erotically exploring, you will need to have a chat with your sweetie. I know sometimes discussing sex can feel scary. What if your partner rejects you, thinks you're silly -- or worse, gross? Maybe you have had this conversation before and nothing has changed.
No matter where you are starting from in your relationship, your sex life is worth the effort and the time to communicate your needs. The most important part of communicating your needs is first deeply understanding what your needs are. Get clear (or as clear as one can) around your desires.
Some examples: bringing in sex toys, going to a sex shop, spanking, dirty talking, creating a scene where you play our characters that may or may not be yourselves, trying new sex moves (oral sex, anal, different positions, sex acts you’ve never done or don’t often do), performing a strip tease, masturbating in front of one another, reading erotica, watching porn together, phone sex, using a blindfold.
When I am working with a client around this topic, once they are clear on their desires, we practice the conversation out loud. I recommend you practice the conversation in front of a mirror or phone a friend for a little feedback. This way you can get comfortable sharing out loud what it is you are wanting to say. It is important to take ownership during the conversation and not place blame.
We want your sex to feel sexy - the more you can hold the stance of ‘what is our capacity as a couple?’ ‘can we expand and grow’ vs you’re not a good lover or ‘you always…..’ the more likely your sex will have creative and experimental space that leads to mind blowing sex.
If you are ready to jump in deep and explore a whole new erotic world, there are people who have come before you and paved a very interesting path. While this level of experimentation is not for everyone or every couple, there are many fun, wild and boundary pushing places to explore.
Some examples: group sex, swinging, threesome, kink, BSDM, fetish play, sex clubs, partner swapping, orgie, gang bang
In this whole new world, you will need very good communication. The exploration of non- monogamy and kink play requires what I consider Graduate Style Communication skills.
I once had a couple in my office say, ‘We learned so much about our relationship by dating outside our relationship. The main takeaway is that we had to focus so much energy on communication, we got burnt out around the whole thing. It is just easier to do just us.’
While playing in these ways can bring new energy and excitement, they require both people to be completely committed to honest and open communications. Empathy, listening, transparency, and trust are some of the main ingredients here.
Allowing ourselves to be creative in the bedroom is one of the most important components of a full erotic life. This is a frame of mind to be open and curious.
Sometimes, folks fall into the trap of thinking all the new things we try in bed are going to be amazingly hot and successful on a first try! But, exploring new territories has no guarantees other than more possibilities and interruption from the same old channel. It is expected that you will have some wildly sexy moments mixed with some not so hot times. This does not mean you need to stop or necessarily change anything you are doing. It is an opportunity to laugh, cry, discuss and learn more about one another.
There are many things I have tried with lovers that have been a mixed bag. Sometimes, if you give it a try a few times you find a way to make it work. At other times you realized, yep - my body does not bend that way or that is not as fun as the fantasy in your head.
We want to take with us into our experimentations that anything can happen and that is what makes it so exciting! If we knew the outcome, it wouldn't be an experiment.
One final note: how to bring in new ideas to the bedroom will vary based on the lover you have. Some people are super open to trying out new things and others are a little less go with the flow. Keep communicating and if you are asking for a Level 2 or Level 3 change, be prepared to have the conversation at least 3 times if not 50. Especially if you are planning to really spice things up.
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